


so please tell me it's alright

by InfiniteWoonique



Series: Knocked Up [6]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Babies, Conflict Resolution, Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Family, Fear, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Kim Hongjoong, Mentioned Park Seonghwa, Mpreg, Parenthood, Pregnant Jung Wooyoung, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22055884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique
Summary: Depression and pregnancy don't really go hand in hand and Wooyoung, sadly, would know that better than anyonetitle inspired by Ateez's 'Mist'
Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Song Mingi
Series: Knocked Up [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594903
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	so please tell me it's alright

Wooyoung sighed as he scooted off the edge of his bed, quick to walk to his dresser on the other side of the room. His antidepressants were there along with his new prescription of prenatal vitamins. He'd just picked them up three days before after he'd taken a visit to his primary physician for the constant nausea he'd experienced, wondering if it was a symptom of his antidepressants. They'd raised the dosage and with a lack of an answer to all the throwing up he'd done, Wooyoung made an appointment for that in mind but instead went home with the knowledge that he was pregnant. Six weeks along and he'd been able to get an ultrasound print to bring home to Mingi who hadn't the slightest inkling that Wooyoung had been pregnant at all. A total "surprise" instead of an accident according to Mingi, but something they were going to deal with and adjust to as time went on. Mingi had been ecstatic albeit shocked to find out he'd made a person with his boyfriend but was readily giving Wooyoung answers and a plan of action they were going to take to prepare for this baby.

It was a big change for Wooyoung of course since he was the one who was pregnant, especially when it came to taking care of himself. The prenatal vitamins were larger than his antidepressants and it was hard getting used to with a whole other pill to swallow, but it wasn't harder than trying to get better. Wooyoung wondered why he was having such a hard time, especially when he was supposed to be happy.

Depression wasn't a stranger. It had taken its visits here and there and for now, he was in the early stages, a new presence in the house that he and Mingi had unfortunately grown accustomed to. Wooyoung believed that getting pregnant during his depressive episode was bad luck and made sure with his new gynecologist that he was okay to take his antidepressants while pregnant and he had been reassured several times that yes, he could continue taking them while pregnant and there would be no repercussions on the baby. The constant fear at the back of his head was all effective in preventing him from being happy about everything that was happening.

Once in his system and out of his mouth, Wooyoung crawled back into his bed and curled up under his blanket, face pressed into Mingi's pillow that he had moved to his side of the bed and was hugging to his chest. He inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of last night's shampoo and the natural smell Mingi had. He smelled so nice and the essence of his boyfriend was lifting his mood from what it was currently. Mingi was off at work at the dance studio, the same place Wooyoung worked and where they happened to meet, and he had been gone since early morning. He was teaching all day but for Wooyoung, it was his day off and instead of doing anything productive like he probably should have done, he had instead spent his whole day in bed. He had woken up and hadn’t left his bed unless absolutely necessary. Just one of those days he was all too familiar with and one of those days that were becoming more frequent as more time passed.

Wooyoung spent most of his morning staring at the ceiling and silently crying to himself for no particular reason, something that was quite common when it came to depression. It was past noon and he hadn’t eaten breakfast nor lunch, had only really left the bed twice to go to the bathroom and take his medications. He’d barely slept the night before and so his body felt weak and with these two combined, it did not leave for good mental stability. In all of the crying he had done today already, Wooyoung’s main focus had been how terrible of a mother he already was.

He was supposed to eat so he could healthily grow this baby, he was supposed to be getting enough rest so he wasn’t exhausted, he was supposed to be happy and excited. But he didn’t feel anything like that and evidently, he was a terrible mother already. In his head, he wouldn't ever be good enough, not with how he was handling this already. He won’t even eat when his stomach is growling for food because he doesn’t want to, afraid of the things it will do to his body, another branch of the mental illness he was sporting. He had been doing so much better before, had gone a long time without thinking so horribly of himself but once the depression kicked in and he was upset with himself again, then it was time for it to make its return and torture his already fragile self-esteem. How can he be a good mother when he's constantly having mental health issues and feeling worthless?

Wooyoung knows that this is his own way of thinking. No one ever told him he was worthless. It just happens and that's how depression works. It for sure wasn't Mingi telling him these things, he would never. Mingi was the sweetest person Wooyoung had ever met and his mind wandered to the small actions that made his tummy flutter the most. Just this morning, Mingi had woken up for work and made sure to give Wooyoung plenty of kisses to wake him up and say goodbye. Wooyoung remembered trying to hide his face, certain it was all puffy and swollen from sleep, but Mingi had assured him that he was beautiful even when Wooyoung hadn't asked for it. Wooyoung hadn't felt beautiful and having Mingi go into detail how beautiful he thought his boyfriend was, it had been nice. He'd felt so special even when he felt so icky inside.

Thinking now about how much Mingi had done for him already was making him emotional and the tears started to flow. A sudden dread wiped over him, unsure if this was down to hormones or down to the depression. His stomach was starting to hurt and it was evident why when his brain wandered to how he didn't deserve Mingi. He wasn't good enough for Mingi, would never be. Now Mingi was trapped with him forever because of this baby, he was stuck with someone less than mediocre and it was all his fault. If he had been more careful, hadn't missed out on his birth control, made sure the condoms were good quality, hadn't been so stupid...

He was crying now. Sobbing. A hand covered his mouth to stifle the cries as he let the tears flow freely. He was useless. He curled up tighter into a ball under the sheets, making himself as small as possible to hide away from the world. Feeling this way was terrible and he wanted it to stop, but there was a long road ahead of him that was going to be painstaking and agonizing. He would need to be patient but he was done now. He wanted this to be over with.

"Wooyoung," Mingi cautiously spoke. Wooyoung didn't even notice him walk into the room, hadn't known he had come home either. Wooyoung didn't even have time to respond before Mingi was on him. He crawled into the bed next to him and immediately wrapped his arms around the smaller, holding him close and to his chest as he whispered words of comfort into his hair. A hand was rubbing into his back right where Wooyoung liked it the most. He had a lot of back pain and issues since he was a teenager that led into his adulthood, digressing over time. Mingi was the same way and both knew the best spots to rub to get the knots of pain out of their muscles. Mingi was getting closer to an area that tickled when it was touched, but Wooyoung couldn't giggle or laugh this time around. He was too busy choking on his sobs and tears to do that.

Mingi didn't talk at first and just let Wooyoung cry, let him get it out of his system because whenever Wooyoung cried he always felt better afterward. Especially now that he was back in a depressive episode, crying happened often and it lead to a generally better disposition. Mingi wasn't always there when Wooyoung did cry, but when he was, he made sure to hold the younger close and let him know that he was loved. That was easy to forget when you were so depressed and so critical of yourself. Love felt like something he didn't deserve and something that he shouldn't have.

Eventually, Wooyoung did stop crying, lungs and throat hurting enough for his body to need a break. He laid there, gasping and chest shaking as he buried his face into Mingi's strong chest. One hand was covering his face, shielding it from Mingi's sight so he didn't have to see how much of a wreck he was. The other was behind his boyfriend's back, thumb rubbing into the lean muscle that Mingi had there. Mingi's heart was beating against Wooyoung's forehead where he was so deeply curled up so he was hidden. Mingi had tried to straighten him up at one point to see his face but Mingi had prohibited it and he hadn't pushed it. Even when crying Mingi thought Wooyoung was gorgeous, but pushing that wasn't going to help anything. There were some boundaries Mingi couldn't test.

"Wooyoung, what's wrong?" Mingi asked, voice low and careful. If it was going to overwhelm his boyfriend more then he was ready for more waterworks, but he was hoping that he would open up a bit and let him know what was wrong. Whatever the reason was that he was crying, being left in the dark would hurt him as well. But then again, Wooyoung was hurting and asking him to open up could hurt him more. But trying was always something he did, and Wooyoung would always open up eventually.

And Wooyoung did want to open up to his boyfriend, but it was so hard to do when he was so upset about something so personal. Mingi was so excited about this baby and being told that Wooyoung wasn't would certainly devastate him. He lacked the confidence to speak about it and to diverge the conversation, he mumbled, "Nothing," a typical depression answer, but it's not 'nothing'. It's everything, but it's not easy to bring that up without making Wooyoung even more upset. Saying it out loud is different from thinking it, makes it even worse to hear and only more tears follow until he’s a blubbering mess.

Mingi isn't buying it because there was obviously something wrong, even if it was chalked down to hormones. Something had to have upset him so much and Mingi just wanted to help his boyfriend out and to make him feel better, but if Wooyoung wasn't willing to open up, then he wouldn’t push it. It's hard to help when he won't open up, but Wooyoung would talk to him when he was ready. He was the one having a hard time. This was bigger than Mingi, this was Wooyoung. The love of his life. He just had to trust him, "Okay. I'm always here for you, you know that right?" he asked, placing a kiss on the top of Wooyoung's head, nose buried in the soft and bleached strands. His boyfriend was hurting a lot and Mingi wished he could do more than what he was doing now, but he had to be patient.

And patient he was as he let Wooyoung suffer in silence, even though he would do anything for him not to. Wooyoung was vulnerable and needed to know how amazing he was and Mingi was going to do just that. Mingi was doing his absolute best to let Wooyoung know how special he is in little ways, no big and scary gestures that could overwhelm his boyfriend. It started with notes, something Wooyoung loved above all other gestures of affection. When they were in the beginning stages of them dating, Mingi would always write him notes on every scrap piece of paper he had and it wasn’t until they were six months into their relationship that he found out Wooyoung had kept every single one in a box he had in his closet. Since then, it had been something Mingi attempted to do more. But then they moved in together and the notes slowed down until they didn't happen anymore, finding them a bit unnecessary since they were with each other all the time. Mingi wished he hadn't stopped and after careful examination of the notes Wooyoung still kept in their closet without him knowing, he hadn't written Wooyoung a note in close to two years and that made him feel like a failure. It was time to change that.

It started one of those mornings where Mingi was scheduled to go in a few hours earlier than Wooyoung. He had already taken his shower and it was now Wooyoung's turn. Mingi had offered for the two of them to shower together to "conserve water", which is always his excuse to be naked with his boyfriend, but Wooyoung had turned the idea down, wanting to seclude and not let Mingi get intimate in any way with him. He felt horribly vulnerable and letting Mingi see how insecure he was feeling felt wrong when he felt like such a burden already. Wooyoung felt worthless and telling Mingi this would hurt him so much, there was no way he was going to mention any more than he wanted or had to. With his need for space, Mingi wasn't going to push it, it would do no neither him nor Wooyoung any good if he forced anything.

While Wooyoung had been in the shower, Mingi had been in and out of the bathroom as he readied himself for work. He had left Wooyoung to himself, not wanting to bother him in any way and Wooyoung appreciated it, but he also wished Mingi would do something about it. Depression was confusing and Wooyoung didn't even know what he wanted. His boyfriend was respectful of him and sometimes even that was too much. Wooyoung felt as though he wanted to be bothered, but it would be too much.

Eventually, Mingi was good enough to go and he was wishing Wooyoung his farewells, "I'm going to leave, Wooyoung. I love you, and make sure to drink plenty of water and eat a good breakfast. It's good for both you and the baby," thinking about the baby that was growing inside of Wooyoung made him giddy, excited at the prospect of having a baby with the one he loves. Mingi was so excited to be a father. He had always wanted kids, always imagining being a father and whenever he played house with his cousins, he was always the dad. Every time. Being told he was going to be an actual father had his heart racing and his lips smiling. That had been the best day of his life when Wooyoung showed him the positive pregnancy test, and he was looking forward to having a baby to call his own.

At the mention of the baby, Wooyoung glanced down at his still flat abdomen. There were no outward signs that he was pregnant, but he had plenty of proof to say that he was. Glancing now where the baby was positioned, he debated whether or not to actually touch his lower belly. He had seen plenty of pregnant women and men touch their bumps with such a look of adoration and joy in their eyes, but he didn't feel that way. He felt useless and like a horrible mother. Wooyoung thought of moving his hand and just testing the waters, but the thought of doing so terrified him. His hand stayed clenched at his side and his nails dug so deep into his palm that it started to hurt. And he realized he still had to respond to Mingi, "Love you, too," he said a little less enthusiastically even though Mingi meant the world to him. He felt like he didn't deserve Mingi's love, which was ridiculous in retrospect. But that was his thought process, and depression was to blame for that.

"I'll see you later then. Arrive safely, I'll leave you the car," Mingi sing-songed, but his tone was downcast. Wooyoung could tell that his smile was gone and he was putting up a front for Wooyoung to buy as though there was nothing wrong. Wooyoung knew him better than that but chose not to say anything more, afraid his voice would crack and he would cry, then Mingi would panic and try to comfort him. Wooyoung settled for a hum in response and Mingi was on his way, albeit reluctantly. It wasn't like Mingi could blame him for his response, he knew how Wooyoung could get and it was better to leave some things be. And even though Wooyoung appreciated that lack of prodding from his boyfriend, he still felt his heart ache as he continued with his shower, taking his time so he didn't have to pay attention to outside responsibilities for a while longer.

But despite his best efforts, he ended up crying into his hands, letting the water rain on his head and face. He was frustrated. At himself, at what he was feeling, at Mingi, at Mingi's attempts at giving him space, at the baby, everything. Wooyoung just wanted a hug without feeling the repercussions of his emotions and their variable changes. His mind and heart were not in connection nor communicating properly and the pain it caused was damaging. He was confused and hurt, and he wanted to get better for his, Mingi's, and the baby's sake.

Wooyoung finished his shower after ten more minutes of standing in the steaming water, waiting until the water was too hot to stand in for much longer. He grabbed his towel and wiped himself down before stepping towards the mirror, not particularly excited to look at himself but feeling it necessary to do so. He was critical of his body and after every shower, he made sure to look at all of his flaws in his reflection, disappointed that the hot water didn't wash away any of his insecurities. It would be much easier that way instead of facing them and changing them himself.

Wooyoung moved to wipe away the condensation to get a good look at himself but a bright pink sticky note was in the way, right in the middle of the mirror so that it was painfully obvious and hard to miss. He lowered his hand and not wanting to get the note wet, Wooyoung peered closer, expecting it to be a reminder of some sorts, like they needed more milk or eggs and that Wooyoung should walk to the market close by and pick some up before he went to work. But that’s not what he found and instead he found a long message. Reading what was scrawled on, Wooyoung felt his eyes tear up in both a good and bad way.

_You look so beautiful today (not like you don’t every day). I woke up before you and the first thing I saw was you. The first thing I thought was how perfect you look when sleeping. The first thing I did was brush your hair off your forehead. The first word I said was 'Good morning' when you woke up. I think I woke up just for you this morning and I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I think I’ll do that every morning for the rest of my life, not like I wasn’t planning to. I love you so much Wooyoungie, and I’ll see you later. I’ll make sure to give you the biggest kiss when you walk through the front door. Ready yourself._

The amount of hearts and emoticons woven among the sentences in the note was almost nauseating but oh so sweet and it made Wooyoung smile like a love-struck idiot. He felt his heart jump at how sweet his boyfriend was and how kind and caring he effortlessly was. Mingi made Wooyoung feel so special and what did he do to deserve Mingi? But then this one question lead to a darker turn that Wooyoung was not expecting, but that was his life he supposed, and his mind tended to wander to unfavorable places when he was the tiniest bit happy.

Did he deserve Mingi’s kindness and all of this selfless love? He honestly didn’t think so because what did he ever do that assured he receive any sort of affection or compassion? Absolutely nothing and this was starting to make him feel guilty. He was making Mingi worry and that was yet another reason why he shouldn't be so happy and should continue with this show of depression while also encouraging him to wrap all of this up, if only he could. He couldn't control depression, no one could, but that didn't stop him from wanting it to go away with a snap of his fingers. Working to get to that point was hard and it seemed almost impossible.

Wooyoung removed the note from the mirror and very meticulously and cautiously carried it to his room, carefully setting it in the box he kept in his closet full of notes from Mingi. He gently brushed his fingers over the collection of papers, bent corners and aged quality, some words peeking out at him, reminding him how much Mingi cared for him. The guilt in his chest was impressive and the desire for it to go away was astronomical. Misery loved company, this was true, and Wooyoung was dragging Mingi into his problems, something he hated doing. The pure dread that was causing his heart's ache was shortly subsided by the fact that he could see a massive amount of hearts scrawled on many of the letters and notes, some quick and some carefully drawn. Mingi was the sweetest, there was no doubt about that.

Now Wooyoung was crying again, the confusion muddling his brain and leaving him in the dark, not sure what to feel or how to act. He failed to show Mingi the love he needed, the same love that the slightly older was showing him with little to no effort. If he was incapable of doing that to someone he had known for years and someone he had already committed his entirety to, then how was he going to show unconditional love to a person he barely knew and that was coming whether he liked it or not? It was hard with Mingi, it was going to be harder with a baby.

He had already cried about his whole dilemma this morning in the shower and he recalled back on how he had cried last night to Mingi, again not telling him anything and leaving him to guess and make worse case scenarios. Crying about being a bad mother and a bad boyfriend to the only person who knew him better than he knew himself without telling him felt wrong, but he still didn't feel ready enough. A voice in his head noted that Mingi couldn't and wouldn't blame him for his actions and affinity to distance, but Wooyoung still felt guilty for not giving him even a proper and simple farewell. Wooyoung would have to make it up to him later when he saw him at the studio, give him a kiss and maybe a hug too as a sort of nonverbal apology. By now, Mingi probably assumed it was just the depression and Wooyoung was okay with that, for now. He would tell him when he felt safe enough to do so. For now, he was going to cry unattended and let his emotions get the best of him, making his eyes burn and his throat sting, heart throb in his chest as it sang for comfort. He was lost in his own head and being so hurt more than he could describe. Thoughts then moving onto the baby growing in his body, he cried harder, sobbing for the life he was failing to love.

————

It was one of his better days. Wooyoung was deep in his depressive episode, having dealt with it for a while already. He was showing now, a small curve right under his belly button and when Mingi had seen it he had nearly squeezed the life out of Wooyoung in a hug. He had been so excited and Wooyoung was still keeping his biggest insecurities to himself when he was supposed to be dealing with this with Mingi's help. And it seemed like there was no better time to open up and share those insecurities than now.

It was the weekend and they were both at home in each other's company all day, no moment left alone without each other. The sudden bout of courage Wooyoung had in the pit of his stomach was awe-inspiring but the timing seemed poor since he was on the couch with Mingi's upper half was pressed to his side. Mingi had only grown clingier since Wooyoung started showing and now he sat with both arms wrapped around Wooyoung's torso, both hands clasped on Wooyoung's belly. The warmth of his palms was comforting and Wooyoung felt content even through the raging storm in his head. With Mingi's proximity to their baby, the constant worry and fears were at the forefront of Wooyoung's mind and he decided in a second that he was well enough to speak up. Do it before things got even worse.

“Hey, Mingi," Wooyoung cautiously spoke up, effectively catching his boyfriend's attention. His heart was in his throat and he wished Mingi didn’t do so much to him with a single look. He just had that phenomenal power over him.

"Yes?" he asked, entirely serene with eyes full of love. He had been so patient through everything and hadn't been spared a single detail of why Wooyoung was the way he was. Wooyoung loved him for that and momentarily reminded himself that he should never let go of Mingi.

Wooyoung opened with a smile, letting Mingi know that there was nothing to fear for now, and prepared himself, not really knowing how to start something like this, “I want to say that I'm sorry for being the worst," Wooyoung sighed, feeling his resolve crumble as he lost courage. The frown on Mingi's face was discouraging until the man spoke, “It’s hard to deal with me and I know you don’t get much of a break from it. You really deserve a vacation, maybe even an award for putting up with me.”

"When have you ever been the worst?" Mingi inquired, not even recalling a moment where Wooyoung had even upset him in the slightest, and if he had it hadn’t been on purpose, "You're actually the best and I mean that. You're my favorite person and I love you," Mingi smiled devastatingly as he straightened up and placed a fat kiss right on Wooyoung’s awaiting lips. Wooyoung felt his heart tear, feeling entranced yet guilty again, "What brought that on though? Why are you thinking that way?" he was asking the right question and Wooyoung couldn't answer with a simple 'nothing' this time. This was the push he needed to help him heal.

"Because I've been shutting you out and I can see how bad you want to know what's going on," Wooyoung sucked in a breath and licked his lips, feeling his eyes start to hurt from the impending tears. Mingi waited patiently and looked like he wanted to step in but was stopping himself, "But I haven't let you in and that's not what a good boyfriend does. I can't be doing that when we have a baby on the way."

"Are you kidding me? What a good boyfriend does?" Mingi asked incredulously, troubled by what he had heard, "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. I can’t say I haven’t been worried, but if you aren't comfortable bringing it up then I can respect that because I respect you,” he was so genuine and Wooyoung would have taken that offer if he wasn't feeling so brave, “I know how you get when you’re struggling, I’ve been through it all with you, and if you aren’t ready to really talk about it and be vulnerable with me because that scares you then I can deal with that because I love you, I mean that,” this was a similar speech Wooyoung had heard before. He had gone through this so many times with the boy before and after hearing it so many times, you’d think Wooyoung would remember. But it was hard when paranoia and anxiety made it hard to talk, “Go at your own pace.”

“I’m just afraid,” Wooyoung added, eyes trailing back down to his lower belly, seeing the slight outline of his bump through the material of his thin shirt. That was the baby he was so afraid of being a bad mother to.

“Afraid of what?” Mingi asked, hand moving to hold onto Wooyoung’s, other one remaining on his waist, fingertips inches away from his bump. His hands were warm and encasing Wooyoung’s smaller hands, he could simply feel how genuine Mingi was. It was astounding how wrapped around each other’s fingers they were.

“Being a bad mother,” Wooyoung nearly whispered, feeling the tears he had been holding at bay slip to his waterline, “Failing our kid because I’m worthless,” again, this was his own way of thinking, but mental health is a nightmare when it is so horrible and malnourished, “Not loving them like I'm supposed to,” or at all since he seemed not to love anything recently.

Mingi was stunned for lack of a better word, “Bad mother?” Mingi asked, not even sure where the turn next to talk about it. He couldn't even speak up before Wooyoung was continuing.

“You’re going to say I won’t be and that I'm going to be great and the best mother ever, but you don't know that and I don't think I believe I will be. I can’t take care of myself, I haven’t been as excited about this baby as you have been, and I can’t even control myself to find something to really live for in my day," Wooyoung noted the look of hurt in his boyfriend's features and that was heartbreaking in itself. A tear slipped down his cheek, sliding until it was on his lips and the saltiness of it stung his tongue. Mingi was his everything and not feeling the slightest bit of happiness when with him was evidence of his mental standpoint and he felt horribly guilty,"There's no hope for me."

Mingi took a break, composing himself before taking a deep breath in and speaking as softly as he could, not wanting this to turn into a fight due to both of their stubbornness. There had been many instances before where Wooyoung's temperament lost control due to his depression and simple conversations turned to arguments, and Mingi was striving to avoid that, "But there is hope. Have you seen yourself with Seonghwa hyung and Hongjoong hyung's daughter?" Seonghwa and Hongjoong's daughter was adorable. She was almost a year old with a strong personality just like her mother and father. That little girl had them wrapped around her little finger and Wooyoung felt he was as well. Whenever he visited them, their daughter was attached to him at all times and Wooyoung was weak to resist her. She made him smile and he made her smile, "You're a natural with her and you don't think you'll be a good mother? Why would it be any different with our own baby?" our baby sounded nice, but the barricade of sadness and fear was preventing him from reveling in the moment. Wooyoung could feel his soul crumble to nearly nothing.

"Because it's so different when it's your own baby, Mingi!" Wooyoung spoke a little too loudly, frustration coming out to prove his point. He knew he was getting defensive, but he couldn't stop himself, "I would think that's obvious! We don't have to raise their daughter for the rest of our lives, we'll have our own baby for the rest of our lives. We have to raise it and teach it everything. Our kid, not their kid," Wooyoung felt his resolve crumbling as he thought of himself as a mother, the image hammering his heart.

"We can do that, it's not just you having the baby, it's you and I having the baby," Mingi reminded, hoping he was getting somewhere and into Wooyoung's heart. The hand that had been holding Wooyoung's was now lifting to wipe away the tears that were starting to fall, "There's two of us, not one of you or one of me. We'll both be parents. There will be no bad mother or a bad father."

Wooyoung’s lip quivered as the frustration was starting to take over everything, tears growing heavier and falling faster. Mingi was having trouble catching each one but had to stop once Wooyoung started explaining himself with a deep sigh, shaky from the intensity of his emotions, "Children learn by example, and what is our child going to learn from me when I get sad for months at a time and can barely function like a human? What are they going to learn from a mother who prefers to be alone and isolate? Who doesn't eat, doesn't sleep? In general, doesn't care because it feels like nothing matters?" Wooyoung stared with blood-shot, red eyes and Mingi only stared back. The connection between them was lost and Wooyoung was in a pool of his own pity, "Who avoids showing any affection because of my fear of rejection and being a burden?" a deep intake of breath stopped his dialogue and shook his ribcage, pain provoking more tears and his hands going to cover his face as the sobs ripped at his skin, "How can I be a mother when I'm absolutely worthless?" Wooyoung was curled into a ball now the best he could with Mingi still attempting to hold onto him, hand still pressed to his small bump.

Mingi felt his own heart break into several pieces. Seeing his boyfriend in so much pain made him want to cry, and even though the question was sensitive, Mingi had to ask in case Wooyoung needed that option and needed to hear it from him, "Have you thought of ending it?"

The two had never discussed abortion in depth before. Both supported it, but beyond that, there was not much intel on their stances when it came to their own baby. It was a difficult question and one that they should probably discuss, but Wooyoung's answer was immediate since it was already made in his mind, "No, I don't want to do that," it was shocking to both, but he continued, "Part of me wants to, it would be so easy to, but then I look at you and I change my mind."

"Why?" Mingi was pressing now, he couldn't leave it at that.

“Because you would be devastated," simply stated, he would be, "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if this all ended. Not after seeing you so happy," Wooyoung could only wish he had been that happy, and maybe he was, but it was masked with this coat of depression that was leaving him so flustered and confused, “And part of me wants to have a baby with you. Going through this whole adventure with you would be a dream come true, I’m just doubtful of my abilities. I might be a shitty mother to our kid,” his hand instinctually found its way to his bump, deriving a small amount of comfort from it even when he also felt terror in his limbs.

Hearing that Wooyoung wanted to have a baby with him had Mingi mentally smiling. But hearing again that Wooyoung was so doubtful of himself had him frowning and upset. He appeared relaxed to keep Wooyoung at bay and not overwhelm him, placing a hand on Wooyoung’s thigh as he comforted him to the best of his abilities, “I can’t promise you anything because that would be cruel, but I can tell you that we can always try our best. Your best is good enough, perfect actually. Our baby will appreciate it whether or not you think it’s adequate or not. Our baby will love you and you will love them, it’s just a matter of time. Wait until you see that cute little face,” thinking about it himself, his heart fluttered and butterflies were in his tummy. A baby, he was having a baby and no matter how many times he reminded himself, it would never get old.

Wooyoung felt like crying. He wasn’t sure what about, happiness, sadness fear, he had no clue, but in order to calm himself he reached out to hug Mingi and the older was happy to oblige. Mingi hugged onto him tightly, face buried in his neck while placing kisses on the nape, “I love you, and I believe you’re going to be a good mom. Maybe you’ll see it one day.”

Wooyoung was still scared out of his mind, but having Mingi in the know and having his support made him feel exponentially better. He still didn’t believe that he was enough, wasn’t going to succeed at being a mother, but he had Mingi to help him to that goal. Something he was also going to work on was his mental health and trying to get better. He was going to stay diligent in taking his medicine, was going to start therapy again, he was going to do everything he could to help his case. He had to heal and he was hoping it would help with him being a mother as well. Being depressed was not going to be his biggest personality trait anymore, he was going to be happy again, he was going to do this.

“I want to be a good mom,” Wooyoung uttered, sniffling into Mingi’s neck, “I want to not be depressed and see the sunshine in everything like you do. I want to be what our baby needs.”

“You will be a good mom. I know it,” there was no promise, but Wooyoung was going to try and live up to Mingi’s inspirations and Mingi’s pure belief in him, “You’ll get over it, you always do because you’re so strong and you get the help you need when you’re in a funk like this. Never before have I seen anyone handle depression as well as you do,” he was bluffing now, Wooyoung knew that, but this gave a new boost of confidence in his core. Wooyoung was going to live better for himself, for Mingi, and for their baby. Wooyoung was going to do his best and that was enough.

“You’ll be what our baby needs and more.”

————

Love isn't a solution to mental illness. Depression was no easy fix but with Mingi's support and Wooyoung's diligence, the younger was able to get to a place where he was actually content with what was around him. Depression still clung to his body, Wooyoung had his moments, but he was otherwise doing very well mentally and physically. There was always the fear of postpartum depression and the pair were informed of what to look for when it came to such, but so far there were no apprehensions. Wooyoung was doing so well and he had a beautiful baby boy to show for it.

He was perfect. Little Seonwoo came into this world kicking and screaming, bright red with ten fingers and ten toes, and perfectly healthy. He had been an easy labor, not too long or terribly painful and Wooyoung had only needed to push for an hour before his son was in his arms. He had been terrified at first, thinking that maybe he could ask not to hold him just yet to prepare himself, but everything happened so fast and before he knew it a nurse was pulling back his gown to expose his chest and his baby’s head was placed right under his chin. Having something so small and so helpless, screaming bloody murder in Wooyoung’s face was mortifying, but his heart was soon singing as Mingi was crying as well and telling him how beautiful their baby boy was. It was then that Wooyoung snuck a peek at his son’s face and he was so overcome with love and adoration that he was crying along with Mingi and his son.

He had been so scared, afraid that he wouldn't even love his baby at first, but having such a positive reaction affirmed his faith in himself and he was able to enjoy the first few minutes of motherhood with no other worries.

And now after all the progress he has made, Wooyoung would say he’s an alright mother. It had been easy at first when Seonwoo was still a newborn, but now he was catching his bearings and was letting his mother and father know it. Waking up several times a night was hectic and a lot of work, and Wooyoung couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing something wrong. He knew how babies were, but were they supposed to cry this much? Was he eating enough? Was he comfortable? Was he happy? Wooyoung never stopped worrying, but Mingi was always there to assure him that their son was just being a baby, literally. He always ate to his fill, he cried because he couldn’t communicate with them, he always found comfort in their arms, and he was indeed happy. Evident by the number of smiles he gave them on a day to day basis.

In fact, he was smiling now as Mingi was holding him. Wooyoung was sitting on their bed quietly folding laundry, something Mingi had been doing as well but soon after they started, Seonwoo had woken up from his nap and it was Mingi that went and retrieved him. Mingi was such an attentive father, was always ready to jump up and drop everything he was doing if it involved his son. So when the first cry sounded through the baby monitor, Mingi all but sprinted to the nursery and picked him up. Wooyoung had heard through the monitor how Mingi spoke to him, so kind and swimming in love. He always sing-songed his phrases and every time without fail it brought a smile to Seonwoo’s face.

When Mingi had brought him back into their room, folding their laundry had escaped his mind and he was instead focused on their baby boy. Wooyoung couldn't blame him and he didn't mind folding the laundry by himself. As he folded their clothes he studied his boyfriend and son and found himself smiling. Seonwoo looked like a carbon copy of his father, scarily similar and when they had looked over Mingi's own baby pictures, it was the same person. He was beautiful and Wooyoung was happy that their son looked like Mingi. He was also excited to see Seonwoo grow up and see which personality he would adopt as his own. Maybe he would be more like Wooyoung, leaving him half of either parent. They wouldn't know now, but so far he was a lot like Wooyoung with how loud and social he was with other children and people.

When Seonwoo turned his head to get a good look of the room they were walking into, he immediately caught sight of Wooyoung and the man was reminded that he was his child's favorite person and that his child loves him unconditionally. As soon as they made eye contact, Seonwoo started kicking his legs and breathing faster, excited to see his mother in the vicinity. Even at eight months old he was playing favorites.

"Mama!" Seonwoo squealed, bouncing in Mingi's arms, "Mama, mama!"

'Mama' was the only word Seonwoo had managed to learn, was stubborn enough to not have said 'dada' yet, or even considered it. Mingi tried, boy had he tried, but Seonwoo had not seemed interested one bit. Seonwoo says 'mama' all the time and sometimes it is relentless and he says it the most whenever Mingi is holding him. It makes Mingi frown every time.

"Why don't we say Dada today? Hm? Doesn't that sound like a good idea?" Mingi asked, kissing Seonwoo's chubby cheeks and forcing him to break eye contact with Wooyoung, "Can you say 'dada'? Dada."

"Mama," Seonwoo giggled, making Mingi pout further and deeper. Seeing his father pout so much, he reached forward and grabbed his lips, chubby fingers holding his father's features and laughing when Mingi blew air through them.

"Why torture your poor father? What did I ever do to you?" Mingi wasn't a jealous person, or he hadn't been until their son was born. He wanted the same amount of attention Wooyoung got, but that never happened. Wooyoung got all of it, "Can't you say 'dada' when I'm holding you? I don't think it's that hard," Seonwoo only responded with another 'mama' and grabbed at Mingi's nose. His chubby hands engulfed Mingi's features and he was getting much stronger with his motor skills. His grip was getting strong and he was becoming a threat. Mingi had to pull away so he wouldn't get scratched by his son's nails, "You make me look like a fool."

"He loves you, even if he can't say your name," Wooyoung assured, folding a brightly colored onesie that was from Hongjoong and Seonghwa, "It's not like he won't ever learn your name. You just have to be patient," Wooyoung affirmed as he stood up and made his way over to his boyfriend and son. Seonwoo was kicking his legs, making his body bounce against his father's chest and even hitting his chin every other kick with the top of his head. He wasn't concerned about that, was more concerned about his mother being so close.

"He knows your name. I guess I suck at being a father," Mingi spoke without thinking as he handed Seonwoo over to Wooyoung.

It didn't affect Wooyoung majorly, but it did remind him of how ridiculous he had been when he had been thinking the same way last year. He had been so afraid of not loving his child, not being a good mother to his child, worried his mental health was going to get in the way of all of that, but here he was with the cutest baby in the world and the sweetest boyfriend in the world, "No. You're the best. He wouldn't go to bed at night if it weren't for you," Mingi was the best at putting their son to bed. Seonwoo didn't try and wrestle his way out of the crib, "And he likes your baby food the most," Wooyoung's was always too thick, but Mingi always knew how to get to the perfect thickness of puréed pears and apples, their son's favorite solid food, "And he gives you kisses, so he loves you," Seonwoo's kisses were open-mouthed, not the kind of kisses they gave him, but he was small and trying. He was a very smart boy already, "Don't think you're ever a bad father. You're probably the best there is," Wooyoung smiled wide, warm and sweet and it had Mingi's eyes disappearing in his own smile.

"You hear that, Seonwoo? I'm the best father there is, so you can at least learn my name," Seonwoo giggled in response, hiding his face in Wooyoung's neck now that his mother was holding him. Wooyoung heard Seonwoo sigh contentedly and he felt his heart flutter in adoration. His son was adorable and he loved him so much.

Wooyoung was happy now, happy to be a mother and happy to be alive. No longer does he have the doubt that his mental health will stunt his abilities to love and be a mother, instead he finds comfort in those he was afraid of hurting. He was happy, something he had to learn but something he had come to appreciate. He hoped he would never let it slip by again.

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by Ateez's 'Mist' because it makes me sad and Wooyoung's vocals are superior in that song ;(


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